My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im six kinds of drunk right now
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
