you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His hands were made for my vagina.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
