I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
