My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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