I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
