Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
