my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
