i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
40s are totally the cure
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
