I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
you made out with another girl for some wings
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
