he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
