I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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