I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
