Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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