Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
