i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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