ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
