my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
