totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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