if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
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