Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
