TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
