I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
