Cold hands, warm shart.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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