Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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