I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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