im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
