There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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