I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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