You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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