Can Purell be used as lube?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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