im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
