Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
