apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
