Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
