i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
