My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
