Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
