I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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