"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
