hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
