pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
