I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
