Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
