i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
