he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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