she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
