Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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