sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
