Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
