Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
