no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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