i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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