he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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